FLASH NEWS JOKES
☻NEWSFLASH.. Police arrested 2 kids yesterday: 1 was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks.They charged one and let the one off.
☻*NEWSFLASH* An independant study has proven dat those who have a bad sex life & who are crap in bed are readin dis message in their right hand!
Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Great Sales Technique
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper.
The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?"
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
☻*NEWSFLASH* A woman was found dead in her home 2day!She was discoverd in her bath tub which was filled with milk & conflakes.the police suspect a cerial killer!
☻*NEWSFLASH* Police r lookin 4 a suspect whos smart sexy witty & very gorgeous- they've already eliminated u from the enquiry (where do you think i shood hide?)
☻NEWFLASH tell all ur female m8s dat u can get 1000 tampons for £1.No strings attacthed but 4 limited period.Its a bloody good deal
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