MAMA JOKES

☻Yo Girlfriend got an ElectroWig - including sunroof and Opera lights

☻Yo Big brother got a wooden nipple and they call him Corky.

☻Yo Priest got ears so big he gets satellite reception.

☻Your kid bro got more crust round his mouth than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

☻Yo Milkman's teeth so damn yellow I can't believe it's not butter

☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

☻Yo Mother in law so yellow you'd think she'd been blowing the Simpsons

☻Yo mama's got a wooden leg with branches. Yo' baby sister got more mouth than Julia Roberts

☻Yo' Boy next door got an Afro with a turn signal in it.

☻Yo Doc' got 1 wooden leg with a real foot.

☻You geeky Star Wars girlfriend got more bum fur than an Ewok.

☻Yo Mommy got so many gaps in her teeth it reminds me of Piano keys

☻Yo Best Friend only got two fingers and she's a representative for world peace.

☻Yo' humor webmaster so desperate for money he got a wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it.

☻You Computer Geek friend got one tooth and they call him Chomping-at-the-Bits

☻Yo' Nana's teeth so damb black you'd think she had coal for her dinner

☻Yo Grannie had more men than the grand old duke of york...and then some...

☻Your Auntie got one leg...and folk call her Eileen

☻Yo kid sister got so many rings round her belly that she gotta screw her underware on

☻Yo cousin got 3 teeth ... one in her mouth and two in her pocket.

☻Yo PE teacher has one arm and swims round in circles

☻Yo Dentist got Summer teeth...summer in his mouth....summer in his trouser pockets...

☻You Wife got more crack than harlem

☻Your Dentist made yo teeth so crooked you use them to cut chain at the DIY store.

☻Yo Star Trek nerd so hairy she make Chewbacca look like Jean Luc Picard.

☻Your house is so disgusting that I tripped over a rat, got bitten by a tarantula and to top it off - the cockroaches nicked ma wallet...

☻I saw Yo mama at the freak show petting the world's largest wilderbeast.

☻I could have been Yo daddy, but the gorilla in front of me in line didn't use a condom.

☻If yo Momma n Poppa got a divorce, heck, they'd still be Brother and Sister

☻Yo mama's so fat that when she walks across the living room, the radio skips

☻Tell Yo' girlfriend my Dog wanna know how much he owes her for last night...

☻Yo' papa so damn strange that he invented a water-proof teabag.

☻Yo mother in law so bald that when she put on a sweater, folk thought she was a roll on deoderant!

☻Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat yo mama to the dump?

☻I heard yo house was made out of bog paper - why? cuz your whole family full of crap!

☻Yo kid brother so fat and ugly Peter Jackson offered him the part of the Cave Troll in lord of the rings

☻You Nose so damn big that we use yer snotters as Footballs.

☻Yo Momma so mad that she even made Kurt Russell escape from LA.

☻Yo Nana so ghetto she washes paper plates.

☻Oi, yo need to tell you mama to stop wearing the blue lipstick...I got balls like a smurf now!

☻You so skinny, you turned sideways and disappeared.

☻Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair, it remind me of stitches.

☻Yo Mama so fat when she steps on a scale it reads "One at a time, please".

☻Yo mama so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates.

☻Yo Sista so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.

☻Yo Mama so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a Xmas tree.

☻You Mommy so hairy she's got afros on her nipples.

☻Yo' mama breath so disgustingly bad that she needs Freshmints with batteries in it

☻Yo Papa's like an old arcade machine - toss in a quarter and you can play with his joystick.

☻Yo mama such a bitch, she interned for Clinton.
 

☻I told her drinks were on the house...so she went and got a ladder...

☻she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner

☻she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.

☻she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor'...so she just did!

☻it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

☻when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, "Wow, it comes with cable too!"

☻she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.

☻she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.

☻she sold her Car for Petrol cash!

☻she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund...

☻she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.

☻she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.

☻she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.

☻I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

☻it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.

☻she invented a silent car alarm.

☻that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean

☻she really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies...

☻she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

☻she was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday.

☻she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.

☻she lost her shadow.

☻she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.

☻she somehow got fired from a Blow-Job

☻she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.

☻she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.

☻when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'

☻Anything Yo's - So Damn Stupid...
☻Yo Poppa so stupid he studied for a Dope test!

☻Yo Postman so stupid that on his recorded delivery form where it says 'Don't write below dotted line', he puts 'OK'

☻Yo teacher so stupid she booked herself into the Bettie Ford clinic cos she thought she was Hooked On Phonics.

☻Yo Boss so stupid he bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout...

☻Yo Business associate so stupid he thought Gangrene was another golf course.

☻Your Kid Sister so damn stupid she put your puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.

☻Yo' Sister is so insanely stupid that last week she asked me to go to the lost and found with her when she missed her period.

☻Yo Dentist so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth filler

☻Yo Sister so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was Mexican phone company.

☻Your Grandpa so achingly stupid he think Beirut is a famous baseballer.

☻Your kid bro so stupid he try to strangle himself with his mobile phone.

☻Yo Minister so stupid he gives Sermons on Genesis....Phil Collins old band...

☻Your Kid sister so damn stupid she stands up on an empty School bus.

☻Yo Mom so stupid that Oxford had to change the definition of Dumb...it now read: Dumb(n) - yo' Mama

☻Yo Burglar so stupid he broke into yo house and stole food stamps

☻You cousin so stupid I told him to take out the garbage...so he moved house...

☻Yo Bus driver so stupid that she went to Disneyworld, saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so drove home.

☻Yo Politics professor so stupid he ask George W Bush to guest lecture on Government 101.

☻Yo' accountant so darn stupid he thinks a Quarterback is an income tax refund.

☻Your Computer Repairman so stupid he picks up your floppy's with magnets

☻Yo Mother-in-law so stupid, she won first place in the Dan Quale spelling contest

☻Yo Archeology Professor so damn stupid they have to dig for her IQ!

☻Yo Girlfriend so stupid, she teaches night classes at Stupid College.

☻Yo' Father in law so idiotic that he took a spoon to the superbowl.

☻Yo Sister's so stupid she could trip over a cordless telephone.

☻Yo Dog walker so stupid he took yo pet dog to the Clippers game to get him a haircut

☻Your Big Sister so god awfully stupid that they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 3rd grade.

☻Yo Father's so freakin stupid he has 1 toe on each foot, yet he just bought himself a pair of flip flops.

☻You Grandma's so stupid when I tell her it's chilly outside, she goes to fetch a bowl.

☻Your Grandpa so freakin stupid he sent me a fax with a 1st class stamp on it!

☻Yo BT Telephone repairman so freakin stupid he asked me what the number for 999 was...

☻Yo girlfriend so stupid when her Apple Mac says 'You've got mail" she runs outside to wait for the Postman

☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly stupid that he thought Nestle Cheerio's were a new type of Donut Seed

☻Yo Auntie so dumb her weekly shopping list consist of 1 item - 'Hundreds and thousands'

☻Your Dog's so stupid he bury's his own tail

☻Yo mama's so stupid, wait...she had you didn't she!

☻Yo Mother in law so stupid I saw her in Safeway's frozen food section with a fishing rod

☻Yo Uncle so stupid...heck, he marry your Auntie for christ sake!

☻Yo Priest so stupid I saw him worshiping at the feet of David Copperfield

☻Yo Reverand so stupid he asks David Ike for advice

☻Yo Grannie so dumb she go to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close...

☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly stupid, that Tony Blair is considering making dumbness a crime, punishable by lethal injection.

☻Your doctor's so stupid he uses his mp3 player as a stethoscope

☻Yo Mama So Ugly
☻she put the Boogie man outta business.

☻she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

☻when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."

☻when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'

☻she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

☻minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."

☻they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

☻when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!

☻yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...

☻she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

☻she was a guard at Snake Mountain

☻they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...

☻even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

☻they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

☻she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

☻Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

☻you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

☻she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

☻we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

☻I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

☻her shadow gave up.

☻people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...

☻her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

☻when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

☻hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

☻instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

☻they gave her a middle name...'accident'.

☻she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

☻when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

☻even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...

☻when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

☻Anything Yo's - So Ugly...

☻Yo Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.

☻Yo Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs shit themselves.

☻Yo Dentist so ugly they don't need anasthetics

☻Yo Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.

☻Yo Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon from inside the Confessional Box.

☻Yo Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.

☻Yo Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need for a costume.

☻Your kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or treats on his mobile phone!

☻Your Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her.

☻You cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

☻Yo Driving Instructor's so ugly he has to wear a ski-mask when teaching.

☻Yo Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in the Wookie lookalike contest.

☻Your Girlfriend's so insanely ugly that I can screw her in any position and it's still Doggy-style!

☻Yo Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee's from jerking off!

☻Yo' Father in law so ugly that his American Express card left home without him...

☻Yo Sister's so ugly that she must been conceived on the Motorway - ain't that where most accidents happen?

☻Yo Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt to Crufts and WON - oh, the dog came second...

☻Your sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want to use her as a poster child.

☻Yo Father's so ugly his hairline ain't receding...it's his hair that's running away from his ugly noggin.

☻You Grandma's so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.

☻Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.

☻Yo' Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her - he'd rather live as a frog.

☻Yo older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.

☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet flushes.

☻Your Dog's so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave its arse and make it walk backwards...

☻Yo mama's so ugly, hold on....you got a mirror handy???

☻Yo Mama's sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to have sex with her.

☻Yo Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams Family 3

☻Your kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his ass.

☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president George W Bush is considering making ugliness a crime, punishable by the electric chair

☻Yo Momma's so ugly that she hurt my feelings...

☻Your doctor's so ugly she manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!

☻Yo Moma So Old
☻she left her purse on Noah's Ark.

☻Jurassic Park brought back the memories...

☻when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.

☻she still owes Moses a dollar.

☻when she was at school...there was No history class!

☻she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea

☻she's got the first autographed Koran.

☻she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.

☻when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock

☻she even made Yoda jealous.

☻she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.

☻the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake

☻when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.

☻she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade

☻her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.

☻vher birthday expired.

☻when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!

☻she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
 

☻Anything Yo's - So Old ...
☻Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001

☻Yo Priest so old he's got Adam and Eve's autograph

☻Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.

☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

☻You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.

☻Yo' geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda

☻Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

☻Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble's hair

☻You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones

☻Yo' home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper

☻Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park

☻Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate

☻You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.

☻Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls

☻Your Aunties so old that when God said 'let there be light', she was the one flicking on the light switch.

☻Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus

☻Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.

☻Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple

☻Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman

☻Yo sister so old she's more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show

☻yo' Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.

☻Yo' Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace

☻I told yo big sister to act her own age...and she died.

☻You Dog so old it farts out dust.

☻Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says "Expired" on it.

☻Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal

☻Your Girlfriend's so old, she invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'

☻Yo' mother-in-law so ancient she's in Jesus's yearbook!

☻Yo Gardener's so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant

☻Yo' big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.

☻Your mother-in-law so freakin old she's got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate

☻Yo Moma So Poor
☻that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

☻they put her photo on food stamps.

☻when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.

☻she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.

☻burglars break into her home and leave money.

☻when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

☻the building society repossed her cardboard box.

☻she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

☻each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers

☻she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.

☻when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.

☻I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.

☻when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'

☻I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."

☻I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"

☻I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."

☻only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...

☻when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."

☻she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.

☻closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...

☻she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

☻I went into her 'living room', stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted - "Oi, who turned off the heater!"

☻I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"

☻I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.

☻she does drive by shootings on the school bus.

☻when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the good china"
 

☻Anything Yo's - So Poor...
☻You're so poor even Beggars give you money.

☻Yo Grannie so damn poor she bounces food stamps.

☻Your Teachers so poor she can't even afford to pay attention.

☻Yo Priest so poor he uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.

☻Yo Doctor so poor, he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

☻You family so poor you's live in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.

☻Yo sister is so po...shit, she can't even afford them last 2 letters!

☻Yo Dentist is so poor she uses white-out/tippex as your tooth filler.

☻Yo' Cleaner so poor she can't afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor...

☻Yo Poppa so poor his idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the 'yellow snow'...and yo loved it, didn't ya!

☻You Star Wars friend so insanely poor that I walked into his house, asked to use the bathroom, and he handed me a shovel saying: "May the force be with you."